Sunday, January 30, 2011

Missing You So Much My Child...











I contemplated whether to write this Post and then not post it?  After all... it's not about decorating, shopping for Found Treasures or about my stuff, nor is it particularly upbeat.  It is in fact laying my Heart bare, exposed, transparent and vulnerable, for all to see... but my Blog Journey is about what I Love and is close to my Heart... and this certainly qualifies... so I decided I will.  But only after reading a heartfelt Post over at my Friend's Blog DIVINE THEATER , and having things put in perspective... and Pray for her and the others who were affected by a true tragedy that time has not healed.  My untidy Home matters not you see and my focus on it was merely a deflected mood... so that I didn't have to think upon what really bothers me and deal with my emotions over something I have no control over... things I cannot change and make right... and remember to turn it back over to the Lord again and just trust that in the words of Bob Marley... Everything's gonna be alright...


When a Mother is separated from her Child for any length of time, her Heart aches... I don't care how old the Child is... when apart, a part of you is simply missing.  They grow up but the Love and connectiveness remains as intense as ever.  Family is everything to me... with the exception of God, Family is the primary motivation and priority above all else... above career, above money, above things, above self.  Sure I say I "Love" pretty things and my Art... but compared to the Love for God and Family, it pales by comparison... there is no comparison actually because it would be like comparing a Diamond to a piece of Glass... the value of one supercedes the other by such a wide margin.  I could lose all my stuff or a career and get over it.  Careers and things come and go and that's okay, they are replaceable... Loved ones are not.  Our youngest Daughter lives in a different Country and is the Mother of five of our precious Grandchildren... we haven't been able to see her in over three years... and at times that seems like an eternity, a void I cannot fill with enough pleasures or experiences and I am often missing her so much... my Child.  My prodigal Child in fact as she has been our Wild Child and her Native American name in my Dad's language I understood meant Wild Flower... and she is... and therefore she reminds me so very much of myself! I know, it's probably difficult for you to believe I was once a Rebel without a cause! *wink - Okay maybe it's not such a stretch for you to believe it!?* Yeah, the apple didn't fall far from the tree and though that has brought much heartache at times and a whole lotta time on bended knee Praying fervently, her virtues outweigh any of the flaws... she is a beautiful Woman and a beautiful Spirit... a part of me... and so it is difficult to have this much distance between us and be separated.  Knowing I cannot be there to spend time together and be there for her.  That precious Mother and Daughter time, where the Seasons of Life have progressed to a point where you have now also become Friends and connect as Women... because she turns 30 this year and matured.  And yet she hasn't visibly aged very much at all and so it's still easy to see the Girl she once was in the Black and White photos I've shared... annually taken at the Fair in one of those cheap cheesy photo booths... but oh so precious because they are so candidly her, as she looked every day.  Then there are my favorite ones of us together, ones we had so much fun taking... when she was only a mere 12 years old, but already such a Diva that she wanted to do glamour shots together and had dreams of becoming a professional Model... and she could have been, the offers came... but she chose a different path.  It's as difficult for her as it is for me, perhaps even more so and you'll understand why shortly.   For me it's also not getting to know and hold the three Grandchildren who live so far away and see them growing up in person or speaking a common primary language.  All five are so much like their Mama that it's as if she cloned each one... just with different eye coloring.  Two of them live with us you see and have since infancy... the one with the Green-Hazel eyes and the one with the eyes Black as Coal.  They often miss Mama as much as I do and I know she misses them terribly too, but she has always loved them enough to do what is best for them, even when it hurt.   Then there are the trio that live there in that foreign land... the one with the Velvet Brown eyes... the one with my pale Gray-Blue eyes... and the one with the vibrant Green eyes.  I know everyone is where they should be in the complexity of our lives... but that doesn't always make it easier... and the missing... well, the missing is a constant... and sometimes I just feel the need to share that fact and get it from the inside... out... a release of sorts of a feeling that I've somewhat gotten used to... but I don't like very much... and need to set free from time to time apart from myself... just like a distant prodigal Child... and trust that she's always been in the Lord's Hands... and that is the very best place she could be...  Dawn... The Bohemian

PS: Thanks again my dear Friends who responded to my last Post, for putting things in perspective and helping me to move past the fixation on housekeeping so that I could acknowledge truer feelings and release them into the universe... rather than stuffing them so deeply inside... I could feel the Love... and it really does help and provide comfort more than words can convey!

4 comments:

  1. Dawn. I understand. It is interesting that we find ourselves involved in the minutiae of our artistic endeavors, enjoying every moment, only to realize it was a distraction.
    I understand the ache. My siblings and I were abandoned by my parents when I was seven and raised as Wards of the State. NOTHING will EVER lessen that pain. Not time, not distractions, not another human being...
    If I could tell your daughter ONE THING, it would be COME BACK.. Come back now! I know you regret your decisions, I know you are overwhelmed, maybe embarrassed, but I PROMISE you that your family loves you and there is No MISTAKE that cannot be fixed through LOVE. Your family loves you, they need you. Come back NOW because one day it will be too late. Today is not that day. COME BACK NOW!
    My heart and my prayers are with you and your family, Dawn.

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  2. I posted a video on my blog for you.

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  3. Dawn, I read this with tears in my eyes as I have a daughter the same age. I don't I would miss her terribly and her three baby girls. I don't even like to think about it. Your daughter is so beautiful. I don't know what to say to make you feel better except that I am sure God is watching over her and her children. And that I pray for you all that you will one day be reunited. I can bet you will be:)She must find comfort in knowing how well you are taking care of her two babies. I will keep you all in my prayers as you are in my thoughts. Bless you,
    ~Debra xxx
    Capers of the vintage vixens

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  4. Dawn I'm so sorry for your pain. I don't have children so can't completely understand that loss, but I've been long estranged from my father. So I understand the pain of being distanced from a parent. I wish it were different. I'm sure your DD does too. It must be especially bittersweet to look into the faces of her children and see her there. She's very beautiful. I don't know the reasons for your estrangement but I pray that God will smooth any and all impediments to you reuniting. Big (((HUGS))) my friend. Vanna

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A life touched by God always ends in touching others. - Erwin McManus

I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars. - Og Mandino (1923-1996)

For creativity to flourish one should try to look at everything as though it were being seen for the first or the last time. - Quote from "A Thousand Paths To Creativity" by David Baird

Is what I'm about to say an improvement on silence? ~ Galen Pearl